🌿 Mum Mode
// For ADHD mums

You're not doing
it wrong. You're
missing the map.

Five tools for understanding and supporting a child whose anxiety looks like behaviour - from the inside out.

🔍
The Early Warning Decoder
The signs that look like bad behaviour but are actually distress signals. Learn to read the tell before it becomes a crisis.
→
⏱️
The 30 Second Intervention
When you see it starting - what to do right now with two other kids in the room. Specific. Deployable mid-dinner.
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💬
The De-escalation Script
What to say. What not to say. Why "calm down" makes it worse. The exact words that work for a dysregulated nervous system.
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🌤️
After the Storm
What to do in the 20 minutes after an outburst. For him - recovery without shame. For you - processing your own cortisol.
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📋
The Pattern Journal
Log what happened, when, and what helped. In two weeks you'll see the pattern. Patterns give you control back.
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✦ Remember
"He's not giving you a hard time. He's having a hard time. There's a difference - and it changes everything."
🌿
Mum
📋
Patterns
🏠
Home
←
Early Warning Decoder
🔍 Signals
What you see vs what's happening.
These aren't behavioural problems. They're distress signals from a nervous system that's running out of regulation capacity. Learning to read them early changes everything.
🔊
Talking loudly, clicking, making constant noise
His nervous system is trying to regulate through sensory stimulation. The noise is self-soothing - not attention-seeking. He's using external input to manage internal overwhelm.
→ stress
😤
Antagonising his brothers, winding them up
When anxious, his brain seeks stimulation and conflict as a way to externalise the internal noise. He feels out of control inside so he creates a controllable conflict outside.
→ anxiety
🍕
Constant hunger complaints, demanding food
Anxiety triggers physical sensations - especially in the stomach. He's genuinely feeling something physical. The hunger may be real, or may be his body converting emotional discomfort into something nameable.
→ somatic
🦵
Leg aches at night, physical complaints before bed
Somatic anxiety - the body converting accumulated stress into physical pain. Extremely common in anxious children. He is not making it up. His legs genuinely hurt. The cause is neurological, not physical.
→ somatic
😰
Edgy, fearful, jumpy - hard to put your finger on it
This is the most important signal. This edgy-fearful quality is his nervous system in hyperarousal - fight-or-flight activated with no clear threat. He's scared but doesn't know of what. This is the tell. Catch it here and you can prevent the outburst.
→ hyperarousal
🏃
Can't sit still, jumping around, constant movement
Physical movement is his nervous system's attempt to discharge cortisol and adrenaline. His body is trying to process stress the only way it knows how. Let him move - fighting it increases the dysregulation.
→ discharge
😩
Complaining constantly, nothing is right
When overwhelmed, everything feels harder and worse. His threshold for discomfort drops dramatically. The complaining is real - he genuinely feels everything as more difficult right now. It's not manipulation.
→ overwhelm
The window of opportunity
When you notice the first 1-2 signals - clicking, getting edgy - that's your window. Five minutes of co-regulation here prevents a 45-minute outburst later. The earlier you catch it, the less it costs both of you.
←
30 Second Intervention
⏱️ Right Now
What's he doing
right now?
Pick the closest match - you'll get a specific 30-second response tailored to this moment.
🔊
Loud, clicking, making noise
Sensory overload discharge
😤
Winding up his brothers
Externalising internal chaos
😩
Complaining, nothing is right
Overwhelm lowering threshold
😰
Edgy, fearful, jumpy
Hyperarousal - early window
🏃
Can't stop moving
Cortisol discharge attempt
Building your
30-second response…
←
De-escalation Script
💬 Words
What to say.
What not to say.
When he's dysregulated, his prefrontal cortex - the reasoning brain - is offline. These scripts work with the part of his brain that IS available.
✓ Say this
"I can see you're finding this really hard right now."
Validation without judgement. Tells him you see him - not the behaviour. Activates connection rather than conflict.
"You don't have to fix it right now. Just come here."
Removes the cognitive demand to regulate. Lowers the bar. Proximity before problem-solving.
"Your body is trying to tell you something. Let's figure it out together."
Externalises the feeling - makes it something outside him, not something wrong with him. Reframes dysregulation as information.
"I'm right here. Nothing bad is happening."
Directly addresses the hyperarousal state. His nervous system is in threat response - telling him he's safe is the intervention.
"Do you want a big squeeze?" [only if he usually responds to touch]
Deep pressure activates the parasympathetic nervous system. If he accepts cuddles - this is neurologically powerful, not just emotionally.
✕ Don't say this
"Calm down." / "Stop it." / "You need to control yourself."
His reasoning brain is offline. He cannot follow an instruction to regulate - it's like telling someone with a broken leg to walk normally. It adds shame to the dysregulation and escalates.
"Why are you behaving like this?" / "What's wrong with you?"
Demands explanation from a brain that has no access to explanation right now. Creates shame spiral and disconnection exactly when connection is needed.
"You're upsetting everyone." / "Look what you're doing to your brothers."
Adds guilt and shame to cortisol overload. Shame is the accelerant, not the brake. He already feels out of control - this confirms it.
"If you don't stop, you'll lose [consequence]."
Consequences require future-thinking - a prefrontal cortex function. That's the part that's offline. Threats during dysregulation don't work and add fear to the existing overwhelm.
The most important thing
Your tone of voice matters more than your words. A calm, low, slow voice is itself a co-regulation tool. His nervous system reads yours. If you're regulated, his has something to borrow from.
←
After the Storm
🌤️ Recovery
How did the
outburst end?
Honest answer - no judgment. This shapes what comes next for both of you.
🌊
It faded on its own
He came down gradually without much intervention
🤗
A cuddle or calm voice helped
Connection brought him back
🔥
It escalated before it ended
Got worse before it got better
😔
I lost my patience too
My response made it harder
And how are
you right now?
You matter in this too. Your cortisol is real. You can't pour from an empty cup - and the next hour depends on how you land.
😮‍💨
Relieved it's over, mostly okay
😔
Guilty about how I responded
🪫
Completely depleted
😤
Still frustrated and overwhelmed
Finding your
path through this…
←
Pattern Journal
📋 Patterns
Log what happened.
Find the pattern.
After 10-14 entries you'll start to see it. Before dinner. After school. When the house is loud. When he's overtired. Patterns give you prediction. Prediction gives you control.
Morning
After school
Before dinner
Bedtime
Weekend
Other
No entries yet.
Start logging and the pattern will emerge.